Deciding to start a blog happened at a peak time in my life a few months ago. I was losing weight, paying my bills, literally accomplishing everything I put in my path. It was the most unstoppable feeling. I would wake up on a Saturday, eat breakfast, plan my day, and not sit down again until 5 or 6 at night. Cleaning, organizing, shopping, basically running around like a chicken with my head cut off. All this energy made me decide to start helping others.
When i was in my ‘peak’ I was always afraid of going back to how I was and had been for the last 5 years of my life. Tired, cranky, so down on myself all of the time, and never not hungry. It was the most miserable feeling to lay in bed and want nothing more than to go on a walk or go to the gym, but not be able to physically do it. I’d make plans with my best friend and be excited all day, and then want nothing more than to cancel in the hours before she’d be arriving. I had a legitimate fear of going back to that.
In the few months that followed my treatment, I began to get less worried and ‘fearful’ of going back. My medication was working, sure there were days where i was anxious, but nothing a nights sleep couldn’t fix. Yeah, i’d get sick and feel kind of down in the dumps, but my mom was always there to take care of me and remind me to relax.
But, depression can be a weird and unexpectable thing.
My grandma is starting to decline. She’s always been a sleeper, but in a matter of weeks she went from walking & swimming weekly & napping in the afternoon, to using a walker, and now a wheelchair, and sleeping more than being awake. She doesn’t remember basic things like the day of the week or whether or not she’s taken her meds. And my grandpa is an absolute rockstar. Caring for her, feeding her, getting her to doctors appointments, and being one of the most gracious husbands I could only dream of one day having.
Through all of this, I’ve been preparing that one day my grandparents won’t be around, and i’ve spent a lot of my years with them, so I have no regrets about time spent. So, for the first few weeks, all of this was a back thought. I went to work, cleaned, meal prepped, and kept busy. I’d get dinner with my grandparents one night a week, and go home to my normal life. Then, last Monday, I realized how drastic my grandma’s health was becoming. I was sad, upset, confused, and felt so much love for her and my grandpa, that I cried when I called to check in. On Friday, I realized how messy my room had become during the week, Saturday, I slept in until 9 (which i haven’t done in months) and then on Sunday, I took a three hour nap & didn’t do any meal prepping for the week. Monday morning came fast and full of early morning stress. And by the end of the day, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I couldn’t even do my dishes after dinner. I went to my room and laid down with the craziest feelings of sadness about my grandma, discouragement about my blog/ its success, and negative thoughts about myself and all of the things I had noticed in the previous few days. The best way to describe it, is drowning. That fear from before came rushing back, and all I could do is sleep.
Just because you are being treated for depression, doesn’t mean you’re invincible to life and its stressors. I am human, and I am sad, and that is allowed. Allowing yourself to feel a feeling that you’ve pushed out for the last few months is sort of like a slap in the face. Depression is more than sadness, but also a great way to describe it. I woke up this morning really emotional. I had a dream last night that my grandma had come to me, I laid in bed with Leroy and tried to calm myself. Pinterest is always my go to when it comes to finding inspiration. I got on and started browsing ‘new day quotes’. I found a quote that I have had saved on my profile for over 3 years, but as soon as I read it, it caused me to re evaluate the last two weeks.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’. “
I got out of bed, went downstairs, and found that my roommate had done my dishes from the previous night (So grateful for her). I put my flower pots outside, watered them, organized the things I’d left around the kitchen, made my bed, cleaned my room, sorted laundry, and got ready for my day. I’m still pretty dang sad, but it was refreshing to see myself try again and be successful.
Depression isn’t a black and white thing. Here’s a Ted talk by my absolute favorite, Brene Brown. For those days where you feel like things are crumbling. You are not alone.